I asked myself many times: why is it so challenging to be truly myself? To express my essence? My impulse was to look after external factors and people to blame for my limitation. Education and society made me anxious and afraid of not being accepted, not being recognized, not being included. Maybe I lacked self-confidence, as I was raised with high expectations where the best was never good enough. In few words, I was a victim of my education and social environment and this was the obstacle to my freedom. I’m not saying that this has no contribution at all. However, I recently realized that there is something much deeper inside that pushes me to the endless effort of being someone else: the vanity of perfectionism. The desire to be special, to be balanced, to always make right decisions… This insight was a slap in my face, but I take it gratefully when it helps me to wake up. I observed that I usually direct my life to experiences that allow me to plan, calculate and even preview possible outcomes, always in the comfort zone of the kwon. I feel great fear of loosing control, of the unknown, of letting life flow in me in its full potential. Why? Because I don’t know what will come out of this experience. Maybe something that I don’t like, a frustration in view of my expectation and concept of what is perfect. However, a plastic flower may be nice and perfect, but is still a plastic flower. I don’t want to live a “plastic life”. When I’m able to see perfection in imperfection, I have eyes to see my unique beauty and of everyone else. So why not create space for this beauty to reveal itself and open my heart to the unknown. No desire and no expectation. Just letting life flow in me. Being alive is a great opportunity and I have nothing to lose, but illusion. I remember Osho saying: “Hell is nothing but the end result of an impossible, unnatural effort. Heaven is nothing but to be natural. Don’t try to be perfect, try to be total.”.
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